The Tabloid News Edition 15
The Tabloid News - Issue XV 'FROM THE EDITOR ' Okay everyone, you might be hearing some nasty rumours about me in The Mafia Gazette. It seems some dumpy old building in Atlanta was burned down and I’m getting blamed for it. However, I can explain everything, which I shall do shortly. Right now I’m running and hiding from the police because Carmela DeAngelis owns them, and they do everything she says. Again, a story on that later. But, for right now everyone, on with the news . . 'TABLOID EDITOR BLAMED FOR GAZETTE FIRE ' In a recent interview with stunningly good looking Editor in Chief of The Tabloid News, Father Pickles, we gave him the opportunity to, in his own words, speak the truth about these allegations. Here is his statement. “You might hear things from the Mafia Gazette and their so-called editor Carmela DeAngelis that I set fire their Atlanta offices. And, I did it just for attention. Now, of course, I might have been running around the streets saying that I was going to burn down the offices to do something ‘newsworthy’ but who are you going to believe, me? Or Father Pickles? Did I confuse you yet? Here’s what actually happened. So, there I was in Atlanta, just shopping for fresh peaches. I love peaches. I could eat a peach for hours. Anyway, I happened upon a little old lady who ran out of gasoline, so I promised I would help her. I took a 5 gallon can and filled it up with gas at a local 7-11, which I promptly knocked over. Anyway, when I was about to put the gas in the lady’s tank, someone tried to steal her purse, St. Miguel I believe. Anyway, the gas can flew out of my hands in the commotion and after it was over, I lit a cigarette, carelessly tossing the match into the gas soaked offices. WHOOSH! A huge ball of flame engulfed the building and I ran away as fast as I could. So, it wasn’t my fault, it was just an accident” And, there you have it, folks. The truth, more or less, of what happened. 'CARMELA DE ANGELIS OWNS LOCAL LAW ENFORCEMENT ' Ask yourselves this question . . . “Have I ever seen Carmela in jail?” The answer is “NO!” Is it because she’s such a moral, upstanding citizen? No! Is it because she’s smarter than the rest of us and never get caught? No! The answer is it is because she has the local police and judges in her pocket. Our investigated reporters with a background in accounting have checked into her books, and the books she cooks. She made a charitable donation of $50,000,000 to a local church. Father Pickles, being a man of the cloth, was able to confirm that no such amount was ever received by any church in our fair cities. However, if her real ledgers, Carmela has a $50,000,000 entry under “Bribes the keep law enforcement in my pocket.” Further investigation brings photographic evidence of a police squad car delivering Carmela to her drug deals at playgrounds. A local judge helped her bury a dead body in her backyard. This is shameful and she should be stopped. 'MR. VALENTINE NOT ALL CHOCOLATES AND FLOWERS ' Mr. Valentine, known conspirer with the Mafia Tribune, leads a life different from his name. A valentine inspires love and devotion. It makes on think of happiness, not of tawdry two timing and cheating. But, we at The Tabloid News have discovered the truth behind the lies behind the truth he spreads. You see, we caught him cheating on the Loch Ness monster! That’s right . . . he is romantically involved with Nessie, famed mythical creature of Scotland. However, he was also seen playing “kissy face” with the Abominable Snowman. Well, snow woman to be exact. He is a straight cheater. The Abominable Snowman could not be reached for comment. When Nessie was given the news, she valiantly defended Valentine’s felicity, but she had tears in her eyes when she saw the photos. 'FATHER PICKLES VOTED ALL AROUND GOOD GUY ' The Vatican released it’s Top 20 list of priests who were good priests and all around good guys. Father Pickles was voted #1. Coming in second was Father John, followed by Father Pat McGroin, followed by Father Teq. 'ADVERTISEMENT ' Hey, are you in a loveless marriage? Are you unable to sleep? Are you unhappy? Do you hate your job? Are you with an ugly person? Do you just want to have fun? Introducing Whiskey! That’s right, whiskey, fun for the whole family! Makes the ugly beautiful and the mundane exciting! See your local bartender immediately. 'ASK RED WATCH: ADVICE COLUMN ' Dear Red, My girlfriend got drunk and admitted to me she’s been “faking all of them.” What does that mean? Signed, Confused in Mobile ----------------------------------------------- Dear Confused, Why do I have to be the one to explain this to you? Why do I have to deal with idiots all the time? Red --------------------------------------------- Dear Red, My advice columnist seems cranky all the time. What can I do to improve her morale? Signed, Father Pickles ------------------------------------------------ Dear Father Pickles, It would help if I didn’t have to write that letter myself and forge your name. Pay attention to your employees, and give me a damned raise and a vacation or ELSE! Red 'OBLIGITORY MIGUEL LIKES GOATS STORY ' You know it, I know it, everyone knows it. Miguel likes goats. End of story. 'LOCAL PRIESTS (NOT FATHER PICKLES) ARE IDIOTS ' Our inspiring and intrepid Editor-In-Chief, Father Pickles, is well known for his charitable contributions. After making a substantial donation to a local church, the Priest decided to share a little information with him. Father Pickles was told, no lie this is the God’s honest truth, “The priest thanks you for your lovely contribution. The priest motions for you to come a little closer. You briefly reflect on the pains of your childhood, but still agree. "I don't know if this is of any use to you... " Father_Pickles is in perfect health.” Gee, thanks a lot!